Like Asphyxiation

My heart is pulled taut,
like an erected marquee.
Perhaps is it my sternum, she says,
“perhaps it is your lungs” -
those things that flap and falter sometimes,
like two deceiving fiends.

Wheezing and grappling for air,
like a six year old in a swimming pool –
My arms are flailing, heavy breathing,
I wait for my wings to grow.

No man is all, so, ipso, they were nothing.

"There must have been some reason for getting into a situation where there was nothing to do but be final and obvious. Probably it was because I was too intense with one boy after another. That same horror came with them which comes when the paraphernalia of existences whooshes away and there is just light and dark, night and day, without all the physical quirks and warts and knobby knuckles that make the fabric of existence: either way, they were all or nothing. No man is all, so, ipso, they were nothing. That should not be" - Sylvia Plath

Unsent letter - a 27th birthday tribute

These words come to you at 9.14pm, suffering from excess consumption of low fat ice cream. I question my mental comprehensiveness, considering it’s cold outside (and inside - my heart feels like it is working hard, albeit, it may be from missing you) and my fingers are pink and pruned like cherry blossoms. It must be because sometimes we’ll suffer just a little bit to consume what we love. We always do what we must to have what we love.

And this is the foreground - the bricks and mortar of this email – a stream of consciousness from far across a water-coloured, sketchy sea, overindulged and undersatisfied (this is not a word, by the way), because you’re not here to hold my hand when I’m cold to the honeycomb of my bones.

I wish for you this year, as you approach 27 years of age, fulfillment of the most wonderful kind. I wish you richness of indecent proportions – cream-filled cakes, an overflowing heart, canvas sacks full of coins to share with those who make you feel so affluent, and most of all, the fullness you feel in your heart when you wake up and are overwhelmed at the magic of the morning. May you always feel that no matter how many times it multiplies, at the nucleus of the atom, it is a blessing to be alive.

27 usually dictates a time in your life referred to as The Saturn Return - an astrological phenomenon that occurs three times in your life (the first at 27) coinciding with the time it takes the planet Saturn to make one orbit around the sun. It is believed by astrologers that at this time a person crosses over a major threshold and into the next stage of life.

The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their lives upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound or that a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living. It is not uncommon for relationships and jobs to end during this time of life restructuring and reevaluation.

But the Saturn Return is not all about painful endings. During this time goals are consolidated and people tend to gain a better vision of where they are going in life. It marks the true beginning of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, ambition, and self actualization.

During this time of inward self-assessment and overwhelming change, may your lessons be gentle, and may you always feel that you have someone to rub your back when your tummy starts to hurt from the confusion.

Happy 27th birthday, cute. If you close your eyes tight enough, or breathe in deep enough, you’ll be able to feel my wishes – after all, I’m only just across the sea.